I carve YOUR name in my heart; PERMANENT.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

OMG.
I bump onto my friend's friendster profile.
I laughed when I saw...

" I don't need money, I don't need car and all I need is my boyfriend". (Sounds cliche tak? haha)

Come on... in a world like this, do you think love itself is able to make your empty stomach full?

I know that I am too use in having my boyfriend around me.
But, i can't live without money lol.
BULLSHIT hahaha.

Come on, stop living in your own fairytale where there are only happy endings.
Reality wise, there are so many gambles you have to take to live in this world. bahhhhh.

Oh, May is coming.
Soon it will be June.
Then count down for July to be over.
Can't wait can't wait.
Miss you so much already.
But, I am still a happy bear :) baabaaaa lol

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
11:58 PM

Monday, April 20, 2009

Right now, I am figuring out, why is my life so complex. I felt so disgusted with myself for jumping into such complexity. Perharps, I am reading in between lines too much. Love is just a word. It couldn't be felt or touched, if only you undergo it. I keep on asking my angel, if I am going to regret with my choice? But, all I get is silence. I was left hanging in midair. I am lost. Totally.

The sound keeps on whispering to me continously. " Will you really treat me like how real man respects ladies? Will you ever appreciate me like how I appreciate you? Will you ever love me like how I love you? Will you ever show care and concern like how I poured it to you? " No doubt, it irritates me to keep on thinking of something so minor, yet fragile.

Your downpour can be shielded by the family's love. Somehow, I felt that I have lost all my sense of dignity as a woman. I have lost all my inner strength that actually holds and which actually keeps me bounded. Why do I cried and begged? To think back, I don't have to do that if our love is really true and genuine. As a person with a right mind, I realised, even if God were to put us on so much tests, as a man who really loves me, you would press on, just like how you went through the jungle confidence course, way back in Brunei. Just when you already sunk your throat in that coke, someone just tapped and talk the shit out of you to go back there and TRY AGAIN. And you did, till you successfully got it. But, you narrowed your mind and thoughts and nailed it to a final decision which ripped my heart off.

I begged. I cried. I cried and I begged again. Only the true love for you which actually lights my inner soul and place my dignity aside, and ask for you back though I know that true love isn't suppose to be begged upon. I question myself, if you ever lost me, will you actually do the same thing like what I did? Will you actually begged and plead?

I was too vulnerable and kind. When I love someone, I put my heart and soul into it. Somehow, I just don't get the same thing in return.

Then again, I asked, will you ever find someone who could love you more than how I love you? If there is, I am willing to let you go cause your happiness is the everything which matters to me.

(I let my emotions typed the words out)

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
11:28 PM

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Right now, I am sitting down, wondering why is my life so stagnant.
I got so many plans for my future. But, it seems that it's still a far cry for me.
I am seriously sick of being look down upon. Even people close to my heart is capable of doing so. He just tore and ripped my heart without him knowing. Well, I am immune to it already.
I guess, life is always unfair.

There are two things I am afraid of doing.
First, marrying a man I love but incapable of giving me a happy life because of serious differences we have.
Secondly, not marrying someone I am slowly falling for because my soul is tied to the one I am with.

I think I am in this situation.
I hate and disgusted with myself for setting myself up in this kind of complexity.

I hate the fact that I am growing up too fast.
How I wish I was a baby where everything was so carefree.

Sigh.

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
11:09 PM

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Well, sweetheart is leaving me for four months to bring pride for our country.
It's only three days since he left me but I am already feeling his loss. To my horror, he even told me that the four months period might be extended. Hopefully with Allah's will, it will not happen.

I tried to be strong and not to cry when he leave. But, I just can't hold back my tears. I swear when I board the bus, tears just stream down on my hot face. I just couldn't help it. Right now, I am taking everything slowly and steadily. I know, my boyfriend isn't the perfect boy and the ideal husband like I want. He did shits to me too. But, nobody's perfect. Even I did alot of wrong doings to him too. Now, you people know why I can't leave him right? I just couldn't bear the loss.

I swear, I wasn't the perfect girlfriend. All along, I am not so supportive with his job as a regular. You know, if your boyfriend is in national service and you make a big fuss out of it, wait till your boyfriend becomes a regular if he decides to sign on. You will sure get what I meant. Time span with you will be short and overseas trip here and there.

After he went off, I realise this mistake. I should be more supportive with what he is doing since he finds joy in what he is doing. And, sometimes, I can be super rude to him. I can't help it. I will sometimes hung up the phone if I feel like it. Sometimes, out of the blue moon, my mood will change. From good to an unexplained bad one. There was once that I actually text him saying that I am close with another guy friend of mine. I did this because I felt that I am losing him already and he was to obcess with his career that I was left behind. I am so sorry dear for doing so.

Now, I've promised myself. I will turn over a new leaf. I promise myself. I will change for both parties. It's okey if I am the one who have to suffer. I just want the best for both of us.

Ya Allah,

Kau berikanlah perjalanan Dino Alfian Bin Dinas, perjalanan yang selamat.

Jauhkanlah dia daripada perkara-perkara yang tidak diingini.

Selamat pergi dan selamat kembali ke Singapura.

Lindungi dan perlihara lah hambamu itu Ya Allah.

Amin.