I carve YOUR name in my heart; PERMANENT.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

its already a week since i last updated.
raya for me this year appears so bleak.
except for the first day which in really indugle myself in.
the rest of the days were real pathetic.
had to go to school.
tutorials. lectures. labs. reports. projects.
i am sick of it.
now my brain is going through a torture chamber
& it seems that my energy were all absorbed
by the long journey from & to campus. sucks.

went to the cinema with aby & salma yesterday.
northpoint cinema is the nearest from our campus.
catch Rob-B-Hood. mandarin movie.
it was super awesome & we sat at the theatre like nobodys business.
laughing our ass off and sitting like our own bedroom (:
the movie is better than the DOA that i watched with sweetheart last sunday.

oh and idk.
tiny black spots appears on my right hand.
& on the surface of my tummy,
very red "vein- looking" kinda thing bulged out; which
gave me a horrendous itch.
i am having frequent headaces
plus nowadays,
i am easily tired.
though from the whole day i did was only sit in room for 6 hours.
the cough i am getting has worsen and i am getting chills on and off.

today, as early as 5.30am,
i was only awaken by a flying cockroach in the bathroom,
right after i finished my shower.
i gave a shriek lah.
back then, my eyes were half open & my mind was blank.
then, i think sweetheart got his pms today cause he's different on the phone just now.
i am too tired to think about this already.
i was 15 minutes late for my engineering maths lecture just now.
plus i went back home 1 hour later from all my other friends.
when i was more than nearly completed my project engineering drawing,
the computer i was using got stuck and hang.
i feel like crying man.
there goes all my 1 1/2 hours of hard work! nabei.
so, i had to re-do the whole stupid shit one more time. cb.
its not my day.
oh & i had to complete my personal development project today
plus my biochemical lab report.
this is more worse tha sucks sia. haiz.

projects and more projects waiting for me.
this sucks. i am sick of life and i am sick of love.
it seems like it will never be an end to it.
i dont know.
okay. bye.

umairah.

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
7:20 PM

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

my dearest blogger,
its been quite a while since i update.
i am slowly recovering from the pain in the ass.
i guess, Allah is sending me these tests during the ramadhan,
to test my patience.
but, i did cried to know that i lose the last ten days of ramadhan.
& there goes my Lailatul Qadar'.
he's getting better & i can say,
he changed a lot. sincerely changing for the better.

So, met him on sunday.
& we patch things up.
accompanied him plus his parents to scds ( haha. cant quite recalled the name) to get him registered for his car license.
then, went with him to vivocity which makes me go weeeee~
oh and he bought me this cute nike bag which cost 50 bucks. its nice.
i'll try to post the video we took okeh. lol.
then, broke fast at banquet.
later, went geylang to get ourself trapped in the unfriendly human jam.
to get my dad the kerepeks lah. haha.
then, took bus 30 and went to j.p.
he wanted to eat doublecheese burger so much.
so, went to macdonalds.
i hate this place ever since i am part of it. HAHA.

on monday, the eve of raya,
after school, met him at yio chu kang.
just a distance from my school. a few steps only. hee.
then, went to marina kimage to get a new haircut.
he paid so i dont pay any single cents. lols.
he's the one who told the hair stylist how he wanted my hair to be cut.
then, broke fast at kfc.
later, in the later night, he came over to my place.
his parents came later.
i swore my crib's gonna break down when the old timers talk & laughed their bellies out.
they left around 1+ am.

then, on tuesday,
which is the raya itself.
it is quite fun.
my cousins & i sort of jelled up this year.
both the guys & the girls lah.
oh & i get $100+ on the first day of raya! woowee~
i guess the pictures will be posted later. haaa.
then, went to his crib the last.
its quite okeh lar.
but i am so tired and sleepy.
went back home at 12.30. (:

To everyone,
SELAMAT HARI RAYA!

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
12:44 PM

Friday, October 20, 2006

life is quite okeh.
i am confused indeed.
the words he say werent convincing enough
to win back my ownself.
i feel like i am lying to myself.
trying to deny to myself that this relationship will last forever.
even though i know its a no.
but, i have to admit that i can see changes in you.
you are trying your best to pull up your socks & turn over a new leave.
i am happy that you are making an effort to convince me.
but, the problem is me.
it seems that the scar you left me is too deep
& it is slowly bleeding my silently.
maybe you should give me time to mend it.
the wound takes time to heal.
& i am trying my best to be the umairah you used to know.
hang on,
give me time...

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
9:56 AM

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Five days had passed since that night.
i asked God,
why is life so weird?
when the person you love most is gone,
you cried all night & wish he would call you back
and fix things up.
but, when he came back & asked for your heart to open
& accept him back, youkept quiet.
i was reluctant.
i hold back my hand & in a sudden,
i became strong.
i felt that in a sudden,
i can live without you.
though there's still love & concern feeling towards you.
but, it's not as strong as last time. as i used to.
it's fading.
you have to give me time to start learning to love you back.
though its hard, maybe, i could give it a try.
this fragile heart of mine sympathized you
& would consider having you back after everything you did.
but, i learnt my mistake.
i cant love you whole heartedly.
cause if i do, & if you ever did this again,
i shall cut my wrist until i die.
goodbye.

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
10:18 PM

Monday, October 16, 2006

15 October 2006.
officially off.
if happiness means seperation.
then, i have to swallow it.
whats the use of holding onto it if you are not happy with me?
gosh sweetheart.
you broke my heart.
but i still love you.
i' ve learnt to forgive and keep loving you over and over again despite anything that had happened.
knowing that you love & drool over that chocolate cookies,
i took the hassle to find the recipe to make them for you.
have to grate the chocolate & my mum said,
" sanggup heh kau nak parut choc. besar tu"
but i just kept quiet.
until i grated my own hands.
though its painful,
i know the pain will be gone watching you eating them.
but i guess, its just an imagination.
knowing you were sick on that day as you told me,
i decided to just pass it to you at your house.
from jurong west, i travelled to tampiness
just to know you were not at home.
sweetheart, you dont know how much i miss you since the day you went to tekong until now.
i thought i could get a glimpse of you, one sec pon jadi lah.
but to no avail.
it seems like you're avoiding me.
called you, and you hang up on me after i refused to tell where am i.
my heart was totally trashed.
but, i learnt to forgive you.
my heart was more tortured and pissed after you say,
" actually i got the intention to break off before i go to tekong. tapi tak sampai hati. & what must i tell my mother"
oh god, i swear i feel like slapping myself for loving you too much until its hard for me to let you go. just to know that do you really love me or what?
i dont need your sympathy.
i got my dignity.
wheres all the promise you told me?
the baby i wont leave you no matter what happens?
where is it?
sweetheart, at least i know,
when i promised that i will wait for you,
means i will.
even if it takes me a 5 years.
but, wheres your promises?
but, i know, you are part of me and when you're gone,
a part of me will always be with you honey.
i cried. i cried the whole night.
i even surrendered my dream of playing today's hockey match.
i cant take this anymore.
till then, take care Alfian...

atribute to my special one, alfian:

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
9:40 PM

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Sigh.
i swear.
i am sick of this already.
i tried to be strong.
i tried to overcome all the diificulties we had.
i tried to forget the scar after those fights we had.
but, i think, this is getting too hard for me.
i feel like giving up.
having more than two fights a day is ridiculous.
it seems like everyday we're fighting.
i just feel that we have a communication breakdown.
we cant clique.
you and me. a far difference. like heaven and earth.
people say that we must sacrifice for love.
i did. they dont know i did.
all the heartace i faced. all the pain i get from waiting.
all the scoldings i had to bear. all the emotional breakdown that enters.
sometime i asked myself.
can i really show you that i can wait even if its ten years?
then, i will feel the guilt of saying it.
because, now, i am too weak.
i am feeling insecure.
if only you can read this & understand my feeling...
i kept everything to myself.
i really love you & cant bear letting you go.
but, i have to face the fact.
sometimes, hapiness is hard to be swollowed
bacause its heart wrenching.
Ya Allah, give me the strength to overcome this.
i know, now, all i need is your help.
your help ya Allah.
amin.

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
11:38 PM

Thursday, October 12, 2006

went to bugis with sirin yesterday.
watching her finding denim skirts make me go " cerewet betol dia ni" HAHA.
but, really.
she's choosy.
i bought 3 calvin klein boxers.
they are fucking cute & comfortable.
3 for $15.
already 3 cookies ready for raya.
suji, makmur & chocolate chips.
still some more to bake. (:
oh & sweetheart's back from tekong.
contented.
but, he doesnt even know when he's coming back home.
HAIZ. i swear i am already sick of wating. -_-
i miss alfian, farah & ai'in.
God, i want them now right in front of my eyes.
goodnight.

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
11:15 PM

Saturday, October 07, 2006

today is quite okeh at work.
except for the oh my god i am so thirsty feeling that is lingering in me.
i did quite well in the counter station just now.
tomorrow's going to be a long day for me.
will be working from 3pm to 10 pm. HAIZ.
going to miss terawih tomorrow.
but, i will definitely will be attending next tuesday terawih.
the imam will be specially fly over from mesir to singapore. (:
& i am sorry nana and the others for not joining you guys today.
i am working today and tomorrow. SORRY.

oh & btw,
i thought mediacorp compose the song
entitled, " i dream" sang by taufik batisah on their own?
i felt cheated and stupid after reading the paper today.
a song sang by LeAnn Rimes in the 2001 World Sports Award
is exactly the same as the one sang by taufik batisah, 2004 singapore idol.
check this out:

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
11:09 PM

met lee sirin yesterday.
& hit bugis plus orchard.
i spent a near hundred dollars yesterday.
if mum knows about this,
i am going to be a piece of dead meat ready to be grilled.
bought a pair of shoes for raya- $19.90, a samuel & kevin top- $22, a pair of dark jeans- &29 & a super nice sling bag- $17.
oh, & the girls calvin klein boxers i saw just now was super sizzling hot!
thought of buying them.
but, budget constraint and i have been spending a lot already.
had 2 pieces chicken meal at kfc for buka.
then, i bumped onto rossalina & jai with their son.
& aaron aziz with diyanah halik at far east.
bahh. they arnt that popular lah.
jalan jalan pon no one mintak autograph -_-"
oh & i freaking hate my house phone!
it goes ringg ringg as early as 8 am
& no ones will pick it up, waiting for me to do it.
irrititating siak. then, yes, the calls are all for my brother.
aku nak tido pon susah. fcuk fcuk.
& i am missing sweetheart super terribly.
next thursday then he will be back from tekong. haiz.
okeh, going to work now.
& i think tomorrow i have to work again.
better than rotting at home & waste money.
okeh, byebye.

sincerely,
umairah

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
10:56 AM

Thursday, October 05, 2006

helo blogger.
i am very bored.
i want to kill time but i have no idea what to do.
suppose to have hockey tournament today against the POLIS.
but, i make up my mind,
to cabut.
since the one playing are only national players.
why must i waste time to even thinking of coming down to watch?
counting the days to raya.
mixture of excitement and eagerness has been running wildly in me.
nothing much happen nowadays except for the daily terawih
that i never fail to attend every night & the remorseful period i acquire every night.
since that day, i felt that i am terribly sinful.
sinful to Allah the Almighty.
God, please forgive me...
16 october. school reopens.
i am not welcoming the second semester
& not looking forward for school to starts at all.
oh & great. i am still stuck with the bitch. fcuk.
& i miss sweetheart terribly.
another 7 days to hear his voice again.
cepat larh balik from tekong awak!
saya rindu awak amat amat lah. hish.

sincerely,
umairah

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
2:09 PM

Monday, October 02, 2006

my computer is getting super lag.
due to the constant downloading of junks.
thanks to my sister.
yesterday really sucks bad time.
i was freaking shag &
they are using my strength to the last bit.
i was asked to mop the floor, sweep, handling fries station, wipe the glass door, change the bins & clear the trays.
i swear i feel like cursing & call it a quit.
slamat aku puasa seh. hish.
so, i told samantha that i cant take it anymore.
& she let me leave at 4pm.
i slept like a monk all the way home in the bus 99.
oh the previous job at changi airport is super super sial like pigs kukubird.
the stupid cb supervisor doesnt even know if i am getting paid for my 4 days hard work.
WTF. i feel like smashing his face with my mum's metal vase!!!
lucky i used concession.
if not, the constant trvelling itself will cost more than $200 larh seh.
imagine, from jurong west all the way to changi airport plus feeder bus ride.
ahhhhhhhhhhh. cb cb cb.
okeh, i dont want to change my mood today.
meeting my favourite darlings in another 2 hours time
& we will be merry together. weeee~
miss them larh.
& pintu rumah aku belak belak seh.
cat tak cukup. HAHA.

sincerely,
umairah

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
12:20 PM

Sunday, October 01, 2006

met sweetheart today and yesterday.
but, i am still going to miss him
when he's out for training at tekong for 2 weeks. damn.
no handphone. no nothing.
so, we have to lose contact for 2 weeks. big damn.
so yesterday, met sweetheart & later breakfast with his family
at Soprano pizza.
i ate just a piece of pathetic pizza.
close friends whould know why. HAHA.
then, met his uncle, ayah man and anutie, ibu.
his parents tag along and hop in to pathetic sweetheat have no license car.
since he have no license, ayah man drove the car instead.
we went to geylang red light district to get a glimpse of how geylang nightlife is.
many prostitutes, mostly bapoks lah seh. tsk tsk.
then, went to mustapha centre to get dates & thosai for my parents.
reached home around 12.30am.

then today, met sweetheart again.
he's late as usual but refused to do the punishment he has to do.
then, catch a movie, " stay alive"
sweetheart claims its a nice movie.
but, i think, its super lame lah.
like so crappy like that okeh.
no gore = no fun.
i was actually looking forward for the movie to be a gore one.
but, its just a dissapointment.
then, followed sweetheart to visit his uncle, along at changi hospital.
the whole lot were waiting for us already down there.
ate half of a kebab & find myself losing appetite already.
oh gosh. i was super freaking sad man when i walk past the wads.
ward 38, bed no. 2. still fresh in my mind.
the day i lost my beloved grandma.
& theres the wad, right smack in front of me.
& the person lying on the bed, looks like my late grandma.
i miss her. haiz.
then, the whole lot of us went to eastpoint.
sweetheart bought me a pair of turf shoe & a hockey ball since i dont have any. haha.
thank you sweetheart.
cost around $100 in total.
its red plus white with this nike logo on it.
its super nice.
then, went home & reach home around 12. (:
oh boy, i am so going to miss sweetheart voice.

& damn it. today after 5 hours of enduring thirst & hunger,
i can say goodbye to my today fasting
bacause of one stupid mistake. haiyo.

oh next weds & thurs got hockey match.
wish me luck. hehe. (:

much love,
umairah

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
2:29 AM