I carve YOUR name in my heart; PERMANENT.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

i am suck in life.

i am not okay. i am going insane. true enough as i thought, i am suck at love, live and eveything! i tried to told her about why i am acting coldly towards him but she just wont listen. haiz. she just think of the other side of the whole story. that is, i am at fault. i am in the wrong. i tried to avoid him just because i get sick of guys easily. perharps, maybe people can think for the fact that, i do things with reason. nothing will be done without reason. i just think that his controlling me. wtf. i can't even join hockey for the fact that he wants more time spent with him? he thinks that i don't love him anymore just bacause i don't msg and call him. love is in the heart. it is not by ohone calls or sweet msgs. though i don't call you for even 100 days, i know. deep inside, i carved your name in my heart. now, you leave me with the wounds. i am just tired of being pushed and forced to do stuffs that i don't want to do. okay. recently, we had some stupid fights. and nowadays, i find him very irritating. scolding for not calling him. scolding me for not going to his workplace. scolding me for not spending ample time with him. scolding me for being too busy. he even check my saved msgs and will asked who is this and watsoever. i am so stressed out- no privacy, feels like i am on the chessboard and someone's controlling my movement. he have to understand me. i have a very tight routine. i don't even have the fcuking time to get enough sleep. i sleep roughly ard 3 hours per day which makes my eyes look like a whole bunch of polar with bananas! i have to conceal the dark circle under my eyes with foundation. going window shop and thoning with my girlfriends is a far cry. i am so pissed off with his attitude. things start up well at first until these few days. i bet, we have too many differences larhs. we just can't blend like i've thought all this while. i just got no speacial feelings towards you now. buys. i will just pretend till the day come where i will give you a hard tight and let you go, forever.

Grr. grrr! i still haven't skipped any tutorials nor lectures so far. this is a good sign ( : but, my marks suffer. i scored just a 53% for my chemical engineering principles. thats so pathetic. i need an a to get to a local university. if my marks continue to be like this, i'll have to go overseas to study. that will require a sum of money. how? robbed the bank i guess. lols. sometimes, i hoped that i got some sleeping pills right now and just swallow it and sleep for a year. life's damn stressful for me right now. it's too much. now, i get too emotional easily and easily pissed off with a few words till i cry. re-calling an incident, i fought with my friend. i was totally pissed of with him till i cried. its even during calculus maths lecture and the person sitting beside me must be thinking.. what the hell is she doing. lols. pls don't hate me for being emo. its not a sin okay to be emo. life's filled with ups and downs. i wish i am a bird. don't have to worry about bgr, lectures ans tutorials. i just have to know how to build a nest, learn to fly and lay many many healthy eggs! lols.

okay, i have not done my maths calculus assignment. i don't wish to do it! hmmmph.

much love,
umairah

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
12:14 AM

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

PrayForYouDearFren>_<

Ya Allah,

Please help my lost friend. Please give her enough strength to face this cruel life of hers. i just hope her parents agree and then, i will have a new family member. I fcukingly hate her parents. wtf. Mum and dad decided to take her away from the pain. rescue her before she goes beyond the boundary. last time, in my eyes, i saw a kindled spirit with a joyous laughter. but now, it shatters. she's not who i use to know. all because of her parents. i hate them.

Switch my handphone to silent mode just when the alarms starts ringing. to sleepy to notice that i've actually slept back after pressing the snooze button. slept for only a pathetic two hours, struggling to finish my lab report. school starts at 8 am today. thus, i have to be awake by 5.30am. the bus is packed like a can of sardines and people was like pushing, trying to get themselves into the bus. luckily, i get into the bus before hand. if not, i am going to miss it and be late for my engineering maths lecture. haah.

Lab session id fcukingly irritating today. my pair is the first one to give a successful result. we made copper oxide just now! its amazingly long larhs. its the first time i am dealing with pump to suck in the water from the solution of NaOH and dissolved CuO. the mak ayam says i didn't pay attention just beacause i was looking at what she's doing to my CuO. She needs a tissue and expects me to know that she needs it without telling me she needs it. confusing? i know. hee.>_<

Not going to work nest saturday and sunday. got to study for my coming tests. it's not going to leave a good impression of me if i flung my first test. impressions do counts okays. haah. been really busy with life nowadays. es amour kinda of pissed off with me, saying that now, i have lesser time with him. since hockey training is on wednesday and friday, i can't go out with him when he's free. anyhow, i still enjoy the trainings though its quite tough. haah.

enough for now. got to sleep. yahoos! tomorrow lecture gonna start at 1 pm. i can sleep a longer period of time. and yarhs, first report, a B+. not bad right. haah. tomrrow school gonna end late since there's hockey training tmrw. yays!

much love,
umairah.

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
11:29 PM

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

EmotionallyUN-strong`

I guess i will never fought with anyone in a new study environment. yet, it's untrue. things really heat up and gets spiced up. i just couldn't take in when anyone saying that i am rude to my parents without even knowing me well enough to judge me. in others eyes, i may smile. but deep inside, sorrows are bulding its nest. i once thought of quitting half way. but, when i remembered about that incident, i promised myself to endure and fight it through. frankly speaking, i pissed off very easily. i hate that and i try to learn to be a stronger person. but, true enough, i failed. i don't care if people gonna say that i am too emotional. hate me for all i care. like the way i am and don't expect me, making any changes to satisfy you. haish. i was totally pissed off with my dear friends will i eventually shed tears. it's unbearably hurtful for me. after a quarrel with c, b called in and asked me to pass her a few bucks as she is short of a few bucks. thus, i just agreed. waited for that damn teacher to pause for a while. with my wallet and hp on my hand, i was ready to set off. but, amazingly, b was already inside the lecture room. from the look of her face, can see that she's quite angry with me. i asked " bila kau masok. aku tak nampak pon" and she she said " smlm arh". i was totally pissed off. see, i told you i pissed off easily. adding on, she said " mai, aku suruh kau kluar, kau tak kluar seh". haissh. was going to go out when she was already inside. i just keep in silence cause i really hate fighting with my friend. I MISS MY SEC. SCH FRENS. I WANT THEM BADLY! I HATE POLY! I WANT TO BE IN SEC. SCH BACK!

okay.
meeting es amour tmrw.
got to go to bed!
enough emo-ing!
i HATE 24 July.

much love,
umairah

Make me yours tonight, Let me die in your arms;
1:12 AM